The Fragmenting of the Family in the Age of Aquarius

I feel like the fabric of family is fraying. It’s been happening for a long time, since people moved off the land and into cities, since young people, eager for independence moved away to new places, to colleges and universities, and to experience other cultures. In themselves, these things are positive, fostering growth and expansion.

For a few generations, less families (practically none) have had a stay- at -homes mother, and it has been a very long time since the village raised a child. The question of who in fact is raising the child in our current system is an interesting one.

Slowly but surely the containers of kin have become more porous, less stable, and more fragmented. We are living in times that extol the virtues of the individual above all else- the age of Aquarius is about placing the value of the individual within society as a whole and not within the family unit. It’s what we can contribute to society that is important, and how well we adapt to and uphold the values and codes of the collective. Family is not what it once was. This is reflected in even our most established institutions such as the Royal family.

A consequence of this has been, over the last 10 years or so, that the foundations of family, kinship, culture, and tradition have become increasingly unstable, and uprooted. For the first time ever people are making the conscious choice to become estranged from their family of origin, in large numbers.

As people “wake up”, in our technologically sophisticated “new age”, we reflect more on our life experiences, and in particular the traumas, and other setbacks that we have endured and which we feel have hindered our “true selves” from flourishing. Social media channels are filled with stories of family estrangement that, in the main, condone the removal of all toxicity from one’s life, including family.

Traumatology is big business, and there are a lot of traumas. To an extent we are all traumatised just by being alive in a post-industrial, post-pandemic technocracy. While taking a fine-tooth comb to one’s family of origin is encouraged, what is less talked about is how the family is situated within the system at large and what the consequences of that are.

In the 1970s advocates and pioneers of the anti- psychiatry movement, such as R.D. Laing declared that people were not naturally in and of themselves crazy, that instead they had been shaped by the environment in which they lived. Dysfunctional and toxic inter-personal relationships that created double binds and what Laing referred to as ‘knots’ went a long way in causing maladies of the soul.

In terms of the nature v nurture debate, Laing, et, al erred toward nurture being the predominant influence in shaping the personality. The anti- psychiatry movement was not popular in its day and was soon disbanded however some of Laing’s ideas would fit quite neatly into contemporary thinking around family systems, epigenetics, and inter-generational trauma.

But why stop at the family? Surely, as much as the individual is a product of their family, the family is a product of the system. With so much focus placed on our upbringing and family of origin we are missing the bigger picture.

Society it seems is split into those with narcissistic behavioural tendencies and those who are the victims of those behaviours, but the truth is much less clear cut- we have all been traumatised to a greater or lesser extent. The so-called narcissist is wounded in his soul as much as his victims. Our energy body is a tuning fork, attracting or repelling certain vibrational frequencies depending on what unconscious material we carry.

Perpetuating the belief that one is a victim of narcissistic individuals whether they be family members, lovers, or friends, denies the possibility for deeper recognition of the traumas we individually and collectively carry. If we probed deeply enough we would no doubt discover that most of us are subjects of a larger, more omnipresent system of control, a shape shifting entity who resists being known.

Now and for the past several years, an acceptable solution to painful relationships is to cut contact from the ones causing the hurt, however in doing so we miss the opportunity to understand the operating dynamics. Understanding how we enable negatives patterns goes a long way to naming what those patterns are and changing them. I guess this is called waking up; we finally get to see our part in it and choose to continue in the same vein or not.

Taking responsibility is more difficult than blaming a perceived perpetrator, especially one that is an easy hook, that has a name and face… not like the elusive trickster architects of society.

Are we in the age of Aquarius gradually disentangling ourselves from all systems except the one global technocratic system? And if that is the case, are we also disengaging from ourselves as autonomous, self-governing beings?

In the fragmentation of families and communities what we are left with is the loneliness of the abandoned mother, or daughter, or father, or son. For the older generation the slick psycho- lingo of our new age is met with genuine perplexity. Human bonds are not so easy to break. While it may look easy on paper, the psychic and emotional roots run much deeper in our ancestral soul.

This split in the fabric of families is very painful to all concerned. We can cut ourselves off from our families, and many report feeling much better for having done so, but the deeper dynamics still play out in the psyche. No matter how much distance we put between ourselves and our family- and I feel especially the mother- the internal family still operates strongly. Messages through dreams, triggers, and regressions call us back to a time where the hurts and splits first began. This speaks to the soul’s desire to heal the rupture- although we don’t always see it like this and often ignore the deeper calling.

I don’t have the answers, but as one who has felt the devastating effect of intergenerational trauma, with periods of estrangement from both my mother and my father, and with no relationship with my brother to speak of, I am all too aware of the fragmentation that can occur. Internalised family drama continues to be acted out externally, sometimes for decades, sometimes for lifetimes, and then passed on through the lines.

I understand the need to walk away, especially if family members refuse to acknowledge the devastation caused by trauma (though in many cases they simply are not able to do that). Worse, if the abuse, rejection, scapegoating, etc still continues then it is only right that self-preservation should become a priority. But where is it getting us a society? That can’t be the end of it, that we cut off and get on with our lives as if we were never part of a family. We are profoundly shaped by our family of origin, our culture, and our ancestors. There is something desperately needing to be healed and I’m not sure that healing happens in isolation.

Love is lost in trauma, but it does not disappear entirely, it goes into hiding, our hearts close, and we shut off parts of ourselves. We avoid relationships that are too difficult, or seem hopeless. I am not sure that we are able to become whole while we are rejected from our families, or if we reject them. I don’t know what the answer is, but I feel we have a long way to go to healing this collective wound.

It saddens me to see that the dominant narrative now is the right to estrange without regret. I know the suffering this can cause for all concerned. The inner family is lost in the wasteland, and this internalised devastation manifests in our relationships with others. Family constellation, and internal family systems recognise the energetic dynamics at play when the family remains fragmented.

If we truly are on a healing path, it is to us to go deeper into the blood, flesh, and bone of the families that we are born into and are a part of. The story is much bigger than us, much older. It cannot just be severed at the root, the root is too ancient and too important, it carries a vital message that has value and meaning. Though we may have inherited much pain and trauma from our ancestors, we also inherited the sacred pulse of life, and with that many gifts.