Meeting the Self: The Dark Night of the Soul

In talking with midlife women who are in various stages of the menopausal process, a common theme is feelings of aloneness. Not necessarily loneliness, as they are often surrounded by loved ones, but a sense that this part of the journey is a solo quest. While previously a lot of focus has been on the external affairs of the world: partners, children, career, parents & family, something else from deep within begins to stir.

Every woman’s life circumstance, experiences and transition are unique. As with every initiatory journey, the focus turns inward; the outer lights and noise begin to dim.

Women can find themselves unpartnered for the first time in their adult life. This can happen due to separation or divorce. For the woman who has been in a series of relationships, there may be a dawning realisation that these partnerships no longer satisfy. She begins to withdraw her energy from the outer world and turns to face herself.

Not only relationships, but in other areas of life too, it may be that what once provided an identity, fulfilment, well-being and joy, is no longer enough. Children leave home, parents fall sick and die, the career that once exhilarated now causes exhaustion. Time spent in the endless pursuit of beauty feels superficial; friends going through their own transition may have different views or needs, and connections begin to fray. The things of life that once felt solid become thin, insubstantial, and lacking in meaning. That is when the voice of the Self begins to whisper.

The dark night of the soul is a term that has become common in psychology and is used to describe a period when a person is lost to the darkness, depressed, hopeless, a shadow of their former self. The Dark Night of the Soul is a poem written by the 16^th century Spanish mystic and poet, St John of the Cross. It is a narration of the soul’s journey through detachment from the world and a mystical union with God. It is sometimes paralleled with the Negredo stage in alchemy, where a descent is the first stage in the Great Work. In psychological terms the great work is the journey to individuation and a reunion with the true Self.

In my work with women, I am exploring menopause as an alchemical process.

The Negredo, or the Dark Night of the Soul is a stage that can feel alarming, as that which once held our lives together begins to burn in the flames. In the Dark Night of the Soul however, it is precisely this stripping away of the false identity that reveals the core at the centre of the Self. This is no mean feat; it is a dark sea journey in which we do not know if we will survive. That the suffering serves a purpose is only a theory at this stage, and our instinct is to run from the depths, back to the comfort of our previous identity. But it rarely works. The things that so painfully fall away from us, closes all doors, leaving only one open, the door to the Self. As we move closer to the Self, we move closer to God, or Goddess, to the truth of our being, the pure essence, and our divine spark.

It can hurt like hell. In a way we are in the fires of hell, the false self is burning, the shadow looms large, and all that was previously stuffed away in hidden recesses of the unconscious is smoked out. Like Inanna in the underworld, hung naked on a meat hook, our future looks uncertain. Have the gods abandoned us? Ereshkigal, our dark sister shadow self-writhes in pain, barely clothed, breasts exposed, hair like leeks (snakes). Her torment only ceases when her suffering is met with compassionate witnessing. This comes in the form of tiny creatures sent as a lifeline by the God of water, Enki. In the compassionate witnessing of ourselves, in allowing the shadow aspects to be revealed without judgement, and to allow the innocence of the inner child who never had a voice to speak, we may, like Ereshkigal, be healed and soothed with our own self-compassion.

This is the balm, the salve that will allow us to bear more of our suffering and guide us through the Dark Night of the Soul. With hands on hearts, and on our wombs, feeling the hurt that has been swallowed down. Within the blackness of the Negredo, luminescent streaks of colour begin to appear and a light, faint at first, but growing brighter, leads the way to the next stage of the process, the albedo, the whitening.

If you would like to embark on a menopausal odyssey with myself and a small group of other women, there are still spaces on my “The Alchemy of Menopause” course beginning on Tuesday 21 October. We’d love to have you on board.